Falling in Love with Two Men

Dear Coach Carol,
I am writing you because I am torn by my feelings for two men. Presently, I am engaged to a man that I have been with for seven years. We have had our ups and downs and on several occasions we have split, but we always up reconciling. Despite the fact that he had a great job and I would have loved to have been a stay-at-home mom and helped raise his daughter, he wanted me to work. He even encouraged me to call an ex to get a job at a factory here in town. I got the job, yet had lots of resentment and met someone else at work. Now I am in love with two people. If I could combine both of these men I would have the perfect man. I don’t know what to do. I have been cheating on my fiancé for nine months and I feel sick about it. I know it’s the wrong thing to do. Please don’t suggest I break it off with my coworker—I tried and I can’t stay out of his life.


Dear Confused:
I am not surprised that you’re in love with two people. Humans have the capacity to love lots of different people in all sorts of ways. I tell my clients that feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. However, you are engaged to marry your fiancé, which means you have agreed to prepare for your life with him and for that reason you need to make the decision to break it off with your coworker and share your anger with your fiancé. Sounds like you felt that he betrayed you by encouraging you to break a personal boundary. I suspect that you have other issues with him that need to be resolved.

Infidelity is a choice and it is never the right decision. It is a bad decision because it:
• Chips away at your moral backbone and subconsciously makes you feel bad about yourself.
• Interferes with developing an honest relationship with your fiancé and keeps you from working on issues directly.
• Hurts other people--your fiancé, family, stepson, and yourself.

When people make choices that they know are inherently wrong for them, they end up paying huge consequences. You got caught up in your feelings and ignored your moral principles. Morality has gotten a bad rap and people have become self-serving and self-absorbed as a result.

The formula for good self-esteem is adhering to your conscience and doing the right thing. I would advise you to stay away from your coworker and continue to work on the relationship with your fiancé.

I do not believe it is healthy for couples to break up because of someone else. If you break up, it should be because you worked on the relationship, it didn’t improve, and it brought you unhappiness and resentment as a result. Falling in love with someone else is a distraction and it doesn’t help you to focus on your present-day problems.

I always encourage partners to tell the truth, so I would advise you to come clean with your fiancé, no matter what the consequences. See if you can fix the issues and move on from them. Tell him up front that you are going to give this relationship your all.

Good luck,
Carol the Coach

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