Singles

Dating—Enjoy the Ride

Today’s column is devoted to all of the single women—whether you are unmarried, divorced, or widowed—who are contemplating dating. It’s controversial, as I am asking women in the initial stages of dating to do something totally unnatural and foreign to them.

I have coached thousands of single men and women in dating. I have seen what works and what doesn’t. This formula is by far the best suited to setting a precedent where both sexes ultimately achieve what they are looking for in a long-term relationship.

My bias is that ultimately women want to be taken care of, emotionally and physically, and men want to be needed and most of all appreciated by their mates. Call it genetic predisposition or a historical evolution, but clients report these two basic needs. (This is not meant to minimize women’s capabilities to care for themselves.) As a result it is important it is to develop these skills early in the relationship.

Women frequently come in depressed and unhappy because they are not getting their needs met by their husbands, or boyfriends. After obtaining a relationship history, I frequently find that they established patterns early that were counterproductive to what they wanted. These women needed to be coached on what boundaries to establish in the beginning of their dating histories.

There is no doubt that there is much confusion about dating roles, expectations, and responsibilities. Some women want men to take charge, while others want to do their equal share. Every person is different. I encourage the female gender to allow men the opportunity to take charge in the initial stages of a dating relationship.

This is very difficult for women to do. Therefore, I also recommend an excellent book on dating by John Gray called Venus and Mars on a Date. This book is instrumental in setting up the needed patterns for women to be nurtured. I find the majority of women (notice that I didn’t say all women) report they are stressed out and burned out by taking on too many of the responsibilities of daily life.

Single women, take note. It’s important to allow men to take charge in the initial stages of dating. Let them decide where to go, what to do, and how to do it. Allow yourself to take the opportunity to sit back and enjoy being taken care of. In John Gray’s book he talks about the five stages of dating, which include:
• The initial stage of attraction.
• The stage of uncertainty.
• The stage of exclusivity.
• The stage of engagement.
• The stage of marriage.

It is crucial in Stage One to set up the pattern whereby you are 100% attended to. As archaic as that sounds, it allows you a chance to rest, relax, and be pampered. It reinforces what a man needs to do to feel special. This sets up a deep appreciation for him.

Now we all know that women are natural born caretakers. You get to practice your skills of nurturing in Stage Three when you are in an exclusive relationship and you are experimenting with your future with this person.

The next time you begin a relationship, experiment with “doing less” and “appreciating your date” for all of his hard work and ingenuity. If the relationship progresses, you will have established a pattern that is more compatible with your desires. And if the relationship doesn’t progress, what’s the worst thing that can happen? You will have had a few nurturing dates!