Singles

I Give Up

My client came in, plopped herself down on the couch, and in a worn down, discouraged voice announced, “I am done with men forever. I’ve had it, Carol. Where men are concerned, I never get what I want.”

This was a very attractive, 40 year old who had a history of unsuccessful relationships with men. She had been married twice, to men who had similar narcissistic personalities. Everything revolved around them and their needs. After the second divorce, my client vowed that her needs would come first. However, her behavior said something very different than her intentions.

As soon as she met a man with whom she was attracted, she would respond to his interest by jumping into bed with him. As a result, she would immediately feel a serious emotional connection and send out unconscious messages that she was available and accessible to his needs. After the sexual encounter, she would begin to fantasize about what their future might be like together. She was disappointed because the men she was choosing seemed to be sexually driven as opposed to relationship-oriented.

As I sat and watched her struggle with her unmet needs I would encourage her to get honest with the type of relationship she was looking for. She would describe a relationship where she and her prospective mate would enjoy each other, sharing in their compatibilities. She described wanting her needs to be at least equal to those of his. She really wanted a man to think in the same way she did. He would want to attend movies and play and go to the same church together. She wanted a man who was a clone of her! She wanted to know if that was asking too much, and furthermore she wanted me to know that if it was, she wanted out of the game of dating. “Relationships shouldn’t be this hard,” she said.

I shared with my client that although it was possible, it was highly unlikely that she would meet a man who was just like her. If she wanted to be treated equally she needed to slow down and create a scenario whereby the man had to get to know her. If she wanted him to know her well enough to share in similar dreams she needed to start refraining from having sex so early in the relationship. Although not exclusive to women, women typically get overly attached after sex and send all types of unconscious messages that they will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship alive. This sabotages what they really want from men, and then they get angry because they have trained the man to expect his needs to be met first.

I recommended that if my client did indeed want that special relationship she would need to do the following:
•Take time to get to know each other.
•Physically resist the temptation to get sexually involved.
•Resist doing any chores or tasks for him that are reminiscent of a wife or mother.
•Spend time exploring and developing her own activities to work out her own personal development.

After two more tries of doing it her way, she decided to take my advice. Initially she complained that it wasn’t natural for her to hold back her own physical and emotional impulses, but after much coaching she followed the guidelines, has met a man who is loving and caring, and called to tell me of their engagement. She definitely deserved to meet the man of her dreams.