Sexuality

It’s Time to Talk About Sex

Many clients come into the office stating they don’t like sex and they have no sexual drive or desire for their partner. They swear that when they first met their partner that they were sexually ravenous for each other and they spent lots of time engaging in sexual behavior. Now that they are committed to one another, they are desiring each other less and less. As I explore their situations, I typically see four common denominators that fit into the equation of a poor sexual relationship.

Do you like your partner?
I know, you profess to be in love with your partner, and I do not doubt your sincerity, but do you like them? When resentment occurs in a relationship with two people of average sexual drive, one of the first things to go is sexual desire.

Sex is a gift, and if you’re angry or resentful about how things are going outside of the bedroom, you will likely have nothing to give in the bedroom.

It is imperative that you increase communication and work on ways to improve the relationship. If you are at a stalemate—seek professional help. Not from a personal life coach, but from a good relationship counselor who specializes in sexuality.

Do you know your body?
As simple as this sounds, many people, especially women, don’t know their bodies and allow their partners to guide their sexual experiences. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to your partner. It is so important to explore your body and know what feels good so that you can guide your partner. That requires that you practice touching yourself and educating yourself about sexuality in general. Go to a bookstore, read some manuals, and practice diversity. Take your partner with you, or go by yourself. It is important to try different things. Manuals will help you learn about new techniques.

Are you comfortable with your body image?
I speak with hundreds of clients, especially women, who stop feeling sexual after they have put on weight. If you fall into this category, I encourage you to work on this with a vengeance. Not only does poor body image affect your self-esteem, it can chip away at a sexual relationship and this can have a life-altering impact on your partnership. You will likely want to use positive self-talk about your body, telling yourself that you are a sexual being at any size, age, or condition. Use reframing to focus on the positives. Talk to your partner. Research shows that men are not as affected by your weight gain as you would think. If you work on other areas of your sexuality, e.g. different positions or scenarios, fun products, or even expressing sex in a new and different way, you will likely enjoy these innovative approaches—as will your partner. This will reinforce that you don’t have to be a size 6 to be a good sexual partner.

Are you communicating with your partner?
I would encourage you to ask your partner for help with your feelings. Don’t ignore your feelings and don’t ignore the impact they have on your partner. Let them know that you need encouragement and that you think your sexuality is tied up in resentment about issues like child-rearing differences, money, division of duties or your body image.

Regardless of the reasons for poor sexual relationships, if you continue to ignore it, it will not go away. Intimacy is about closeness and the greatest gift you can give—and get—is a good sexual relationship. Don’t cheat yourself!