Sexuality

Sex and Being Single

I recently had three single adults on my radio show talking about the challenges of being single. I assured them that since many of their friends and family were listening to the show I would purposely stay away from the subject of sex, as to not to intrude or expose their private lives. As you might imagine, before the show ended, I had a caller who was struggling with when to make the decision to be sexually active with the man she had just begun to date.

This woman reported that she was “struggling with the right time” and she feared that she might lose him if sex did not occur within that “right time”. She also feared that she might be a rebound relationship, since he had recently broken up with his wife.

The three singles who were part of the singles’ forum all had differing opinions. One woman advised the caller that she didn’t know her partner well enough to jump into a sexual relationship since they had only been dating a few weeks. The 43-year-old caller answered that she had spent endless hours on the telephone developing an emotional intimacy. I often hear that reasoning from adolescents who are trying to convince me—and themselves—that they are extremely compatible with another person. I chuckle because they don’t even know what true compatibility is. They haven’t invested the time into the relationship. They allow their judgment to be emotion-based.

The 43-year-old woman was like the adolescent, looking for reassurance that jumping into bed together was okay. Needless to say, I didn’t endorse that thinking.

Another woman on the panel cautioned about rebound relationships. She said wisely that after a break-up, people want reassurance that they are lovable, attractive, and desirable, and so their eagerness and interest may really be a byproduct of their need to feel good, as opposed to a desire to be in a long-term commitment.

The man on the panel was a little more encouraging to the caller. He felt that if the initial spark was genuine and there was sincere compatibility, then there was nothing wrong with a spontaneous physical relationship, as long as it involved two responsible, consenting adults. My experience is that men see sexual relationships differently than women and can stay more detached emotionally.

I advised the woman to go slowly. I assured her that she would not lose her relationship if she resisted getting sexually involved with him. In my 23 years of relationship work I have never witnessed a case where someone was abandoned because he or she went too slow. I have actually seen the opposite happen. When couples date and concentrate on each other and have fun and design activities that promote closeness, then this actually will strengthen the couple as a unit.

Many people are too insecure or inpatient to slow it down and enjoy the pace. They fear that is isn’t enough and that their date will become restless. I knew from the caller’s response that she had no intention of waiting on sex and developing a stronger dating relationship.

One thing I know for sure is that sex is intended to take the relationship to a deeper level. When people choose to have sex at the beginning of the relationship, there is not typically the needed emotional intimacy to deepen the relationship psychologically as well. That can leave at least one person feeling vulnerable, needy, and ultimately very lonely and we know that sex was never meant to create loneliness.