Sexuality

The Paradox of Sex

There is a real paradox regarding sexuality in this country. Sexuality predominates advertisements, media, TV, and the Internet. It is frightening to see young males and females identifying with role models that sexualize themselves to obtain popularity. People admit to entering into a sexual relationship within a month of knowing each other. Infidelity has increased and it’s not uncommon for married people to have multiple partners within the realm of their own sexual relationship.

People seem so cavalier about sexuality and yet they come into the office and report many sexual problems. After the assessment. I find out they don’t feel comfortable talking about sex. Sex is typically seen as a private matter. Most kids are not taught not to talk about sex—therefore when they grow up, they have mixed feelings about communicating their sexual needs.

Society says it’s okay to act sexual, but not talk about the variables. People have a hard time admitting when their sex life is troubled. Couples will jab and make comments like, “We haven’t had sex in decades” as opposed to looking into each other’s eyes and saying, “What’s happening to our sex life, it seems to be tapering off.” or “I think you seem bored with our sexual routine.”

I recently spoke with a woman who was letting her sex life wither because her husband wasn’t bathing enough and she felt this to be a sexual turn-off. Bathing was not a priority for him, and yet sex was. One might have thought that he would bathe to increase his sexual chances, but he didn’t. My recommendation for this couple was that foreplay would include a warm bath or shower together. It met each partner’s needs—he got more sex and she got her husband to bathe.

I worked with another woman who didn’t like sex. She had not received any sexual information to normalize sex. She was left on her own to muddle through. Consequently, sex did not seem natural, normal, or enjoyable. Since the brain is truly the greatest sex organ, therapy focused on exposing her to sexual information. Her course of treatment took about six months and included reading one book or manual per month for four months. She was taught how to reframe her negative thinking into positive thinking. Her thoughts were as follows:
• I don’t like sex. I am learning to enjoy sex.
• I have no desire for my husband. I want a healthy, loving relationship with my husband.
• I wish he would hurry up. I am going to enjoy how he touches my body.

Increased sexual information, combined with cognitive behavioral restructuring improved her thoughts and feelings about sex.

I worked with a CEO who enjoyed a fetish that he kept from his wife. He was ashamed to share his desire to wear women’s clothing. One day he came home and found her crying on their bedroom floor. She had discovered the suitcase that contained all of his female clothing. She felt like she had been married to a stranger and the relationship had been seriously violated. I spent several sessions educating this couple about fetishes and the imprinting that occurs to reinforce these behaviors. She began to understand why her husband had hidden his fetish. Together they
worked on understanding each other’s feelings as opposed to being afraid of them.

Sex is one of the most intimate experiences you can have with your spouse. Spend some time honestly talking about what you want to give to and get from each other.