Sexuality

Sexual Fantasies

I recently met with a middle-aged couple who were physically separated because of their sexual differences. The wife explained that during the time they had been married her husband had become increasingly more obsessed with sex. She stated, "It's all he ever thinks about. He can’t watch TV without commenting on women’s bodies and when someone references a subject, he makes sexual innuendos even though the conversation is non sexual!

She described their sexual history as normal initially. However, as the marriage progressed she began to find pornographic books, tapes, and magazines. Although she would throw them away, she would find additional materials months later.

As the years went by, he began to request more diversity in their sex life. He wanted to engage in positions that were out of her comfort zone and he expected her to act out fantasies that she felt were wrong. She was clear that she didn't want to participate in “kinky” sexual acts and as a result she felt discredited by him which decreased her sexual libido.

As the wife told her story, the husband patiently waited. He explained that he loved his wife and their two children. He reported that he had good morals and attended church regularly. He admitted that he enjoyed what he referred to as "kinky sex" and that in a loving, caring relationship he has hoped his partner would want to please him. His regret was that his wife was not open to acting out his fantasies. He felt she was closed-minded and sexually repressed. He admitted he had a strong sex drive and was bored with the "same old sex".

As I listened to each person, I got the sense they were both looking for a referee. They didn't want to change; they wanted me to advocate for their position. I admitted that I could not change the mind of the other person, but that I could help them to revisit whether they would be willing to compromise for each other.

I talked with the couple about how helpful fantasies can be during the act of sex. Sexual fantasies can be about being with a different person, being in a different place, or acting out a different type of personality.

I asked the wife if she was willing to fantasize about something safe like being at a different location. I encouraged her to read some romance novels and to highlight the scenes that were sexually satisfying so she could play them out as a gift to her husband.

I explained to the husband that he would need to verbally reinforce any differences he noticed. His wife was stretching “way out of her comfort zone for him,” and would need lots of validation. I also explained that he needed to be respectful of his wife and accept her boundaries.

The wife then started to cry and explained that she needed him to be romantic and thoughtful. He agreed to go to a card shop every week and buy two special cards that represented his love for her.

After several months of therapy, it became clear that the wife was more comfortable with his attempts at romance. She participated in their fantasies because he realized her boundaries. .She even admitted that they did improve their sex life!

As you evaluate your relationship with your partner, are there things you could do to spice up your sex life? There is nothing wrong with stretching out of your comfort zone as long as you believe it to be respectful, playful, and appropriate for you.

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