Self Esteem

Shadow Work

Self-esteem comes from true acknowledgment of yourself. This requires that you accept yourself exactly as you are. Often times, clients are critical of their weaknesses or their character flaws. I encourage clients to talk about their “dark side”—the qualities in themselves that they don’t like and actually try to hide from others.

Carl Jung, a psychotherapist, referred to these personality traits as the “shadow”. He believed that often times it is the shadow that unconsciously drives us. If we don’t acknowledge this part of ourselves, then it will come out with more intensity and frequency in our relationships with others.

Psychologically, we all possess qualities we don’t like. That comes from “core issues” that stem from our childhood. Sometimes they are learned from our mothers and fathers behaviors or they are the result of how we were treated during our formative years.

Do you recognize your shadow side?
• Is there something that you don’t like about yourself?
• Is there something that makes you feel shameful?

When people do shadow work they learn that often the qualities you hate in someone else are qualities that lurk (live) inside of you.

How do you acknowledge the shadow inside of you?
• Give voice to it.
• Write about it.
• Acknowledge it as part of you. Remember, what you resist will persist.
• Learn more about it. Read about Carl Jung’s shadow work. Debbie Ford also has an excellent book on shadow work called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.
• Practice accepting yourself exactly as you are.
• Recognize how the shadow made you stronger.

As an example:
I had a client who came in to talk about the stress of his work. He said that he hated the competitive nature of it. He especially disliked coworkers who were constantly bragging on themselves. As we explored his reaction to others, he admitted he too often embellished the details of his life to boost his sense of self-worth. As we dug deeper, he admitted that his father had physically abused him. His embellishment was his assurance that others would be proud of him.

I once worked with a woman who took care of her family her entire life. As she did shadow work she said that there was an ugly side of her that was selfish. She cited an example by stating that she ‘always watched as people were served to see who got the most food’. She knew it was a childish trait, but it was ingrained into her. She recognized that her greediness resulted from her lack of nurturance as a child.

Debbie Ford says that the greatest gift you can give yourself is living your own self-love. That means that you have to love all parts of yourself—the good AND the bad. You need to take it one step further and decide what the shadow has given you and how you can use it so that it becomes a gift instead of a curse.

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