Relationships

The Three As

The holidays are upon us and it's time to think about meaningful gifts that you can give to others. I have some ideas that will fit anyone, no matter what size or shape. It is a gift that is hardly ever refused, because it works for any type of person, no matter what their lifestyle or their interests.

Everyone could use the 3 A’s: affection, appreciation, and admiration.
I so often recommend it for relationships that could use some fortifying. These three gifts are rarely rejected because they come out of basic human need.

You may have heard of the HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS survey done through Dr. William Harley, Jr., Ph.D. This survey was done with over 20,000 people and revealed that each one of us hungers to be admired, appreciated, and touched. It sounds so simple, yet it's three basic skills that we don't practice enough in today's world
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Appreciating someone may require effort and practice. It’s noticing what you admire or enjoy about a person and then verbalizing it. Unfortunately it is a skill not utilized enough. Maybe it's because people are too busy and it's difficult to find the time to connect and share the appreciation for each other. Sometimes it is difficult to appreciate a person if you feel some resentment in addition to appreciation.

If you feel some anger, then it's natural to want things to get better before you start appreciating another person. As a trained marriage and family therapist, I assure you that you are being more proactive when you emphasize the positives as opposed to waiting for the opportunity to use the skill. In other words, you need to find the opportunity to implement the skill of appreciation regardless of any conflicting feelings.

Clearly, it is easier to admire those that you don't know intimately because their flaws are not as apparent. However, as you look at your loved ones or coworkers, examine what you do admire about them. Maybe it's their discipline at work, or their family values. Maybe it's their ability to keep their desk neat. Maybe it's that they do indeed set limits or they care about how they look. Let them know that they are a role model for you and you truly do admire the qualities that they possess. (The survey I referenced indicated that admiration was a top need for men.)

Although I indicated that there are three very basic needs, affection is not a need that everyone desires. Basically, there are two types of people in this world. There are those that crave physical touch and the ones that prefer some physical distance. I am sure you have lots of opportunities to genuinely share affection in a healthy way. Think of all those people in your life that might benefit from a pat on the shoulder, a side hug, or a squeeze of the hand. There is nothing wrong in asking another if they need a hug. For some people who crave physical touch there is nothing more satisfying than getting one.

You have a great opportunity to influence others. Practice appreciation, admiration and affection and notice the impact they have on others. Sometimes a client will say to me…”but no one does that for me!” That is even more reason to do it for others because it will effect your own sense of self nurturance.

Give the gift that keeps on giving. Share the three As--admiration, appreciation and affection. It is a meaningful and a powerful gift. Happy Holidays!