Relationships

Rebuilding Trust

For the past 4 months, I have been the Relationship Expert on a local radio show. The dialogue is always lively because I share expertise with two very opinionated radio hosts. Recently, we had a listener call in to discuss her inability to get over her husband's infidelity. The female host felt that once a couple has experienced an affair…their relationship was non-repairable. I had difficulty convincing her otherwise despite the many successes that I have seen!

Although this is a common fear, the reality is that if two people have a genuine desire to stay together, they can rebuild and improve their marriage. Their success depends on their ability to work through the stages of grief, trust and forgiveness.

How does a couple heal from infidelity? How do they build the needed trust to move on? Although couples do it differently, it is imperative that the betrayer acknowledge the wrongdoing as honestly as possible, while the betrayed expresses his or her feelings, fears, and misgivings.

Typically a client will ask how they can forgive their spouse. Forgiveness is not about forgetting the indiscretion; it's about accepting that the incident occurred and moving beyond it. Forgiveness is a gift that one not only gives, but also experiences, to heal.

As one forgives, trust develops, although it takes time and work. A client will initially say they want to micromanage their spouse's every move. They know they're hypersensitive to their actions, but they fear that if they relax, they will get hurt again. This mistrust gets better with time.

Trust is a process that begins in very small increments. The offender typically helps the process by asking the spouse what he or she can do to rebuild the trust. Many times the spouse will want to check e-mail or the cell phone. The spouse may want to have the betrayer end the affair with the other person in front of him or her. The betrayer may need to switch jobs. Some couples have had to move. When the betrayer is willing to make such sacrifices it allows the betrayed spouse to feel a restored sense of confidence or power.
Sometimes, the betrayer is willing to give up something that symbolizes infidelity. One man sold his motorcycle to prove to his wife that he wanted no reminders of the short trips he took with his mistress. One woman agreed to quit her night job to avoid any possibility of running into the man with whom she had committed adultery.

Oftentimes, couples need to create new rituals to rebuild the relationship. This also aids in developing a stronger bond. Many couples have taken trips, gone through Encounter weekends, and purchased a "toy", like a boat, to create more playtime together.

As trust is established, renewed faith can develop. When couples notice the progress they are making, it is easier to feel that the relationship has regained more meaning. Noticing the positive changes will reassure the couple that they are on the right track. When reassurance occurs, faith becomes stronger!

I frequently hear couples report that their work has really paid off and their marriage is healthier now. They feel closer to each other.

My bias is that couples can recover from infidelity if their intention is to stay together and work through the betrayal. Although infidelity leaves a scar that is always there, I can assure you if two people want the relationship to work; they can definitely recover and move beyond it to live an abundant life together.