Relationships

Overdrawn

Dear Coach Carol,
I really appreciated your column on emotional investments. I feel like my husband treats me like he treats his bank account. For all of his hard work through the week, a deposit is made. Unfortunately, he almost always seems to overdraw that same account. When my account is full, I am much more responsive to him sexually. For example, last week we made some of the best love we had done in the last couple of years. You see, the days before we made love, he had taken care of his son. He had paid all of the bills instead of relying on me to do it, and he treated me as if he valued me as his partner in this marriage. I felt so good about the way things were going and I wasn’t angry with him.

Then he ruined it the next day, because he wanted to have sex again and I wasn’t in the mood, but he insisted. Now, my account is overdrawn. I feel pressured to deliver sex now. Unfortunately, this shuts me down. Am I crazy for feeling this way? -C

Dear C:
As you know, sexuality starts in the brain. Good foreplay is really all about how you are treated as a partner before and after your sexual encounter. I am not surprised that it is a sexual turn-on when he follows through with his responsibilities by paying the bills and attending to the kids. It sounds like an equal partnership is very important to you.

Most couples feel angry with division of duties and you are no exception. Each person wants to feel that their partner is doing their fair share. Make a list of the things he does on a regular basis as it may make you feel better about him. I need to tell you that I have seen plenty of women withhold sex because of their anger and it creates additional problems and causes more distance which works against their original goals.

In regards to your husband’s insistence for sex when you’re not in the mood: I clearly hear you feeling resentful about his pressuring. Know that you do not have to have sex if you aren’t in the mood.

Having said that, I wonder how he pressured you into a sexual encounter. Many men hear, “I’m not in the mood” but they hope they can change that once engaged in sex. They don’t see it as selfish—they see it as loving. Did you adamantly say “no” or did you passively allow it to happen? If you are not in the mood, then hold your ground.

I need to tell you that lots of women report not feeling in the mood until they are in the midst of sex. Arousal often requires being touched. Could you have encountered his advances by telling yourself that you were going to allow him to pleasure you?

Let’s face it; you have at least three choices:
1. To say no.
2. To put yourself into the mindset that if you let your guard down and allow him to please you then you may “get in the mood”.
3. To give him the gift of sex solely for his pleasure.

With all of that said, it sounds like your husband is working on your relationship. He is investing in the partnership. He certainly is not doing it perfectly, but make sure to praise him for his efforts. Keep communicating and find healthy ways of releasing your anger so that you don’t store it up and create a distance in your marriage. -Carol the Coach