Relationships

Letting Go

I have a client who has been pining over his ex-wife for over ten years. He refuses to acknowledge that he cannot win her back despite the fact that she has remarried and has created a new life for herself. He is a very determined man who believes he should be able to control his destiny. No matter how I work with him, I can't seem to convince him that the only thing he can change is his own behavior. It's ironic that to work with this client I must accept this same fact. Although he has requested my help, he is not even close to accepting the demise of his marriage. This means that I must accept him--exactly where he is.

Now I believe that you can make any dream happen. I also know that it's impossible to change another person. As I continue to work with this man, I encourage him to look for another relationship that can bring him companionship, compatibility, and love. Yet, he refuses to let go of his dream to win back the love of his ex-wife.

His behavior has clearly told me two things. He is not ready to let go of the past. As long as he refuses to acknowledge reality he stays stuck in his denial. This state of denial keeps him from the eventual pain he will need to feel fully to move into a healthy relationship. Some people never leave this state of denial and end up being a casualty of an unfulfilling life.

If people stay in denial they don't move through the stages of loss, which prevents them from getting to acceptance, which can set them free.

I have a theory about people who experience loss and are never able to move through the stages. I suspect that most of these people are directly afraid of anger.

As you may know, the stages of grief include denial, sadness, bargaining, anger and acceptance. Men typically feel anger before sadness and women feel sadness and then anger. If anger is dealt with appropriately, it gives them permission to break the chains of grief and accept the loss. When acceptance occurs, a client has healed from the hurt and can decide whether they want to try again. Not everyone who recovers from grief decides to go out and find another relationship, but at least they have the choice.
Now the second thing I know about people who fear letting go is that they are stuck in limbo. This can be a safe, but very sad, place. As long as my client continues to pine over his ex, he will not have to take the necessary risks to get back into the dating world and try again. It can be incredibly scary when you have been hurt to take the risk of being hurt again.

If you are psychologically stuck and you don't want to give up the dream of reconciliation, I would encourage you to get with a self-help group/divorce recovery group/trained therapist and deal with the potential underlying anger about the shattered dreams that have accompanied a breakup. Don't hide from your feelings. Acknowledge them and let them work for you, instead of against you.

You know the old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all." This applies to those of us who go through the stages of loss and make the choice to come out the other side. It's all about choices. That's the hopeful thing about life.

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