Relationships

Infidelity

There are all types of infidelity within relationships. People seem to judge it by the degree in which it occurs. This column is devoted to how to avoid the pitfalls of infidelity. It involves changing distorted thinking and setting appropriate boundaries.

Anyone who has considered infidelity needs to examine their thought processes, followed by their boundaries. You will need to monitor both to successfully avoid the pitfalls of adultery.

Many of my clients use distorted thinking when they feel an attraction to someone else. Some clients use minimization. They minimize their behaviors by stating, “Oh, it was only a one-nighter.” The underlying inference is that it was not a full-scale affair and therefore it should not be considered a true infidelity. Another client rationalizes, “They gave me the attention I craved.” Somehow, legitimizing the behavior makes it okay. I also hear the excuse, “Penetration didn’t occur”, so it wasn’t true sexual relations and therefore not an affair. How ridiculous is this rationalization?

Sometimes the infidelity isn’t sexual at all. I know a single woman who spent every night after work having dinner and intimate conversations with her boss, who was married. They cuddled and kissed, but she clearly drew the line at no sexual contact, because he was married. She prided herself on her ability to keep the relationship nonsexual. She didn’t understand that she was involved in an emotional and physical intimacy. She was so caught up in the fact that the relationship was not sexual that she overlooked the conversations and kissing being infidelity.

Thoughts affect feelings. Therefore, it is important to maintain clarity of thought if you are attracted to someone and they, or you, are in a committed relationship. Clarity means that you do not engage in behavior that could lead toward infidelity. It is common to be attracted to others. If you find yourself fantasizing about them or strategizing ways to spend time with them, it is imperative to stay out of that danger zone. Use self-talk to create boundaries.

Boundaries keep you safe. Boundaries remind you what is healthy. Boundaries increase self-esteem by reinforcing what is right and wrong. If you find you’re frequently e-mailing someone of the opposite sex, you are headed for trouble. You know yourself best. If you can’t wait to turn on that computer and check your e-mail in the hope of correspondence from someone, you are on your way toward breaking a boundary. I encourage clients to use self-regulating tools on their computers or phones and block incoming calls or e-mails.

I also ask clients to self-evaluate their behavior. Could you tell your spouse that you kissed someone else? Or stayed after work to be with them? Or fantasized sleeping with them? Most often, when the client gets real, they say no. Keep physical distance from that person. If you work with them, ask to be moved somewhere else. Change your shift. Use a different exit it you can avoid passing their desk or cubicle. Temptation is difficult, so avoid any opportunity to be around that person. Most importantly, pride yourself and your diligence in doing the right thing.

The more you improve your thinking and stop using rationalizations, the clearer your thinking will become. The more you develop boundaries to enforce your decisions, the easier it will become. That’s a promise.

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