Relationships

Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships don’t just happen. They require that you constantly invest your time, energy and effort into them, just as a bountiful garden requires that you till the soil, pull the weeds, water, and fertilize with proper nutrients. People often take their relationships for granted—until a problem occurs or until it’s too late. As you look at your relationships, do you cultivate them like you would tend to a healthy garden?

Some of my clients are proactive and desire an improved relationship. However, more often I see clients who yearn for more personal fulfillment. Take a look at these five characteristics for a healthy relationships:

ADMIRATION AND APPRECIATION: Do you verbalize your appreciation of your loved ones? Do you identify daily at least one characteristic that you appreciate or admire? People will enjoy their relationships with you if you recognize their strengths. Make a point to verbalize at least one compliment per day to those you care about.

RESPECT: Everyone has different values and beliefs about people and about life. Understandably, values come from your family of origin, religiosity or spirituality, educational structure, and political background. Partners often marry because they complement each other, which can increase the likelihood of different values. Teenagers often take on different values as a natural vehicle for the needed separation process. It is important to find a common ground with others and respect their differences, even if you don’t agree with their basic values. If you don’t respect your loved ones, it will lead to contempt. Contempt is the number one behavior that leads to estrangement.

COMMUNICATION: Is your communication positive or negative? Do you spend a lot of time criticizing or affirming your family? If you have a teenager or spouse, is it easy to get caught up in fear-based conversations that make you look argumentative or needy? Everyone wants to be acknowledged for their thoughts, beliefs and values. Basically, they want to be understood. Communication infers speaking, but it is really about listening. The next time you’re with a loved one, spend 75% of the time listening and reflecting back what you heard. It will open up their desire to talk to you.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Do you encourage your loved ones? Do you notice the effort and not the outcome? This characteristic builds good self-esteem and is essential in promoting healthy relationships. As you assess your family or co-workers, find an area they are working on but haven’t yet perfected, and then notice their effort. That means to verbally acknowledge that you know they are making progress. It will enhance their feelings for you because it enhances their own sense of well-being.

NEGOTIATION AND COMPROMISE: In all relationships, the art of developing good partnerships with people is the ability to negotiate and compromise. You have to give a little to get a little. Evaluate your style and decide how well you practice this life skill. People who have to have their way all of the time are no fun to be with. If you are surrounded by this type of personality it’s time for you to learn assertiveness. If you are this type of personality, it’s time to practice the art of give-and-take. This may require that you seek the help of a mental health professional.

There are some great tools to help develop these characteristics further.
• Compliment box. Many families (and businesses) have used the compliment box. This box is housed in a central location and people are encouraged to drop a compliment in the box about each family member weekly. The compliments are read weekly during family meeting time.
• Family meetings (staff meetings). Family meetings are typically designated to improve communication and to give each family member a chance to contribute toward the family functioning.
• Appreciation book. As scrapbooking becomes more and more popular, more and more parents and spouses are spending time creating books that highlight the character strengths of people they love. You may choose to do a timeline with special moments, or write about the person as a father, husband, coworker, son or friend. A creative client of mine asked ten outside people to secretly write letters about her husband, which she compiled and gave to him as a gift.

Get as creative as you want to develop the needed characteristics to keep your relationships healthy. The more you put into the relationships, the more you will get out of them. Check out my website, www.carolthecoach.com for more details.