Relationships

Do Overs

When human being make lots of mistakes, it's inevitable that there will be many times in our lives when we say or do the wrong thing. Sometimes the errors in judgment are small; other times, they have devastating effects on others.

It's important to know when to set boundaries so that someone doesn’t repeatedly hurt you and when to give that person the benefit of the doubt and allow them to have additional chances to redeem themselves.

It’s even tougher when the person is a family member, spouse or coworker and you are forced to spend time interacting with them.

I remember listening to a radio psychotherapist give advice to a woman who felt her mother-in-law was always critical of her home. The therapist made it sound so absolute when she told the woman, "Tell your mother-in-law that if she is negative she will be asked to leave and she will no longer to be a part of your life." That solution seemed so final considering that the husband had reported that he was not impacted by his mother's negativity and the children might not get to have any contact with their grandmother.

People have lots of choices when dealing with someone who hurts them.

•This woman can choose to walk out of the room and distract herself from being emotionally involved when her mother-in-law is being negative.
• She can use positive self-talk and reminding herself that her mother-in-law is chronically negative. The issue is really not about her.
•This woman can give her mother-in-law some insight into the impact of her negative statements by using "I" messages. "I feel angry when you criticize my home because the message it sends me is that I don't take good care of your son and the kids."
•She can give a consequence such as: "When I experience your critical manner I will likely need to end our time together early."

In most cases, I believe that people should be given multiple chances to make mistakes in relationships. (I am not talking about habitual infidelity or abuse.) In couple’s therapy, I encourage partners to practice "do-overs". Do-overs are opportunities to replay the situation and do it a different way. Do-overs are especially helpful if you know you have made an error and you want the person's forgiveness. You tell them that you're sorry for the event or circumstance and you request a second opportunity to make amends and do it differently. Sometimes a do-over ends up with a special effort.

I remember a husband who had hurt his wife's feelings. The following day, he said to her, "I know I have been a horrible husband this weekend, so I am willing to take care of the kids on Sunday so you can have some time by yourself." He not only tried to make it up to her, but he was teasing her about being a horrible husband. The woman laughed as she shared her story, which was very different from how she had initially been affected.

The next time you recognize that you have hurt someone you might want to follow these steps:
•Make amends. Tell the person you're truly sorry for your behavior.
•Ask for a do-over and demonstrate verbally, and by your actions, that you recognize your mistake.
•Do something special to make up for the offending act.
•Whenever possible, use humor to reinforce your own insight into your mistakes.

Relationship skills don't just happen. They require practice. Allow yourself and the other person an opportunity for growth.