Relationships

Are You Co-Dependent?

Are you a person who needs the validation of others to feel good about yourself? Are you so preoccupied with others that your own sense of self depends on how your children, husband, or wife is doing? If so, you probably suffer from a condition called co-dependency. Charles Whitfield, M.D. defines co-dependency as a condition in which you turn over your responsibility for your life over to other people.

Co-dependency occurs when you allow another person’s condition to take total priority over your own. Are you so invested in your children that you obsess about their welfare? Their projects are your projects. Their life is your life. Truth of the matter is that you don’t have a life. All of your time and energy is invested in them.

Maybe you have a substance abusing spouse. Do you hesitate to create your own life for fear of what will happen to your spouse? Is all of your mutual energy tied up in living for him or her and you literally have no time to take care of you? Be warned, you likely suffer from co-dependency.

A familiar form of co-dependency is the person who is a workaholic. Their entire sense of self depends on their ability to “do the job”. If you spend endless hours at the office and let your spouse handle things at home, you are most likely co-dependent. If you are single and have no life beyond work, the same applies to you.

If there is someone who you are chronically trying to save, rescue, control, or change, you have a co-dependent relationship with them and you need to focus on yourself. Having an authentic sense of identity is paramount to enjoying good mental health. People who have a grounded sense of identity know who they are and have needs that are interdependent. They also have a healthy belief system and generally have a relationship with others in which needs are mutually met. They ask for what they need and they respond to others with a good sense of boundaries.
This condition does not get better by itself. It requires restructuring your life. The most effective type of intervention to begin that recovery process often occurs when you attend self-help groups. These groups meet daily and are free of charge.
• Co-dependent’s Anonymous (CoDA) is a twelve-step program for people who put the needs of others first. Call 252-9188 for information.
• Alcoholics Anonymous (AlAnon) is a support group for people who are overly involved with an alcoholic. Call 632-7864 for information.
• NarAnon is a support group for people who are involved with someone who has a chemical dependency. Call 875-5459 for information.
• Therapy groups or individual counseling can also be helpful in the recovery from co-dependence. It is important to find a therapist who specializes in co-dependency.

These resources can help you develop a strategy to recover from co-dependency. Co-dependency is a difficult behavior to change. You have to learn how to be caring and compassionate without trying to control or “fix” others. People who suffer from co-dependency learn how to manage their lives differently. Attending a self-help group or going to a counselor keeps you from slipping back into old patterns of behavior.

As you recover from co-dependency, you refocus on you. If you don’t know who you are, it’s never too late to start. That’s why I have that saying in my office, “There will only be one of you at all times. Fearlessly be yourself.”