Parenting

Good Parenting Equals the Three Cs

Parents will often ask what tips I can provide that can make a difference in their children’s lives. I tell them that there are three life skills that will promote good parenting.

As most parents can guess, consistency is the most important factor in getting a child to comply to your wishes. If you ask them to do something and they don’t comply, set up a consequence that matches the misbehavior. Many well-meaning parents will throw up their hands when the child repeatedly ignores their request or breaks the rule again. Parents will think that the consequence didn’t work and they will look for other alternatives to get the child to comply with the rule.

Here’s the tip: Don’t give up on the consequence! Stick with it to send the message to your child that if they break the rule they will continue to get the consequence. Be consistent. Use the consequence at least 21 times before developing another alternative.

A child needs to know that you won’t give up on them and you won’t give in by trying something new.

The second life skill is conviction. Once you have set forth a rule—don’t waver! Remember the commercial for the antiperspirant ‘don’t ever let them see you sweat’. The same applies to parenting. If children see you backing off or changing your mind, they will make it their mission to convince you that their way is better. Therefore, it is imperative that once you make a decision—deliver it with conviction! No need to further their hopes by discussing (for the hundredth time) why you have made your decision.

In our attempts to be democratic, we have allowed children too many decision-making responsibilities. They understandably have gotten the indirect message that they can persuade or manipulate a different choice.

If you have made this mistake, it is reversible, but it will take lots of consistency and a great deal of conviction to re-parent in a different way.

It’s important to remain calm when you deliver both the instruction and the consequence. No need to sound like a drill Sargent, just deliver the message in a matter-of-fact way.

The last life skill is to stay confident. Parenting is tough. No two children are the same. I have worked with thousands of families and children and I frequently see parents that don’t know their own value. If I were to ask you right now to list 25 strengths that you possess as a parent, could you do it?

If not, then it’s time to regain your confidence as a parent. You do that by identifying your strengths and staying connected to them. When you are confident, you are empowered and your are more likely to stay firm in your decisions. If you have a history of giving in intermittently, the child has unconsciously learned that they have the power. This invariably leads to a power struggle, and we know how tiring that can be. Children have WAY more energy to struggle than parents, so it’s important to stay out of the power struggle by disengaging from the child. If you stay connected to your confidence, it will send the child the message that you are in control.

Kids need to know that their parents are in control. It gives them the security to move toward healthier behaviors and decisions. No matter how hard they try, stay consistent, convicted, and confident.

Your child will thank you…in 20 years!

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