Holidays

Separation and the Holidays

I recently spoke to a Divorce Recovery group. I was reminded of how difficult the holidays can be when you have experienced the loss from death, divorce or separation.

Maybe you know of someone who has experienced a rough breakup. Loss always makes for a tough transition. People feel angry and sad about how empty their holiday plans are as a result of their loss. Celebrations just don’t seem the same!

One man in the group had no children or parents alive, and so he knew that he was solely responsible for his own holiday happiness. Another man shared that he would prefer to avoid the holidays altogether. He would handle them like a normal Sunday, which entailed drinking beer and watching sports the entire day. One member feared, not for himself but for his children. He had always left the responsibility up to his wife and now she was no longer there to choreograph the Yuletide celebration. He wanted to make it special, and yet he felt trepidation that his holiday plans wouldn't measure up.

It's hard enough to come up with new traditions and rituals, but it is especially difficult when people are experiencing the normal feelings of loss.

How do you honor these feelings and still find the energy to create new holiday plans? I encouraged the group to think realistically about past holidays. Human beings tend to romanticize the past and remember only the good after a loss. Realistically, in years past, the holidays had their share of stress and disagreements too.

The holidays are a time to be with others, sharing connections and finding gratitude. You can find happiness without a spouse. It requires evaluating what you would like to create and figuring out the best way to get the job done.

Who do you want to spend time with during the holidays? Be flexible. The people you would like to include may not be available until the Saturday after Thanksgiving or the Monday after Christmas. It may be unrealistic to fly 2,000 miles to be with a favorite sibling, but you can invite a neighbor or coworker that you enjoy over for brunch the day before or after a holiday.

Change your expectations. If your kids are with your ex-spouse, you may have to devote the holidays to pampering yourself. Finish that special book, write that long-lost relative, take a long hot bubble bath, and devote the day to you. Cherish the designated days you have with relatives or friends.

Be creative. Do you have small children? You can be creative and do something different that will have a ripple effect for years to come. How about buying four cans of Silly String and having a Silly String war--in the garage of course! Or go out to the garage and ask the kids to make you into a Santa Claus with whipped cream. Make sure there is someone there to take your picture with the kids as you become the whipped cream Santa. Do it every year and watch how the kids look forward to this holiday ritual.

Share your lonely feelings. People will reach out to you if they know you're vulnerable. If you act like you don't need a hand, they may not extend theirs. Wanting human connection does not make you weak! Besides, it gives you an opportunity to see how you can make it special for them.

Don't cheat yourself--learn to how reinvent the holidays for years to come.

Back to Holidays Articles     Next Article