Holidays

Mother's Day II

This is a day to celebrate mothers. Mothers are people who unconditionally love, nurture, and live to take care of their children. It has been often said that there is no closer tie than between a mother and her child.

Because of this intense relationship it is not surprising that many clients come into the office to resolve issues directly related to their mothers. For many, this holiday can be especially difficult because of a poor relationship between an adult child and his or her mother. They either want to improve their relationships or end the sadness, depression, or grief they feel about not having the “ideal relationship” with their mothers.

I rarely share personal stories because I want this column to relate solely to you. However, I feel compelled to share with you an example of my own authentic relationship with my mother and how I needed to honor my feelings and the relationship we had.

My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic and abandoned my mother when she was eight. My mother had no role model from which to learn nurturance. As a result, she didn’t represent the “ideal mother”. She did not cook, clean, or drive. She did not offer affection or nurturance in the typical way.

At age 28, I realized I needed more affection for my mother, so I ended each visit with a solid hug, despite the fact that she rarely hugged me back. Whether it was her crippled hands or her lack of affection she received as a child, her hugs were stiff and awkward. I continued the ritual with diligence and recognized I would not receive the hugs that I gave but I accepted the awkward hugs nonetheless.

At age 38, I wanted wisdom from my mother. I decided to take her out to lunch regularly. During our lunch dates she would sit in silence listening to the events of my week. She rarely offered personal information. I didn’t get the “ideal luncheon date”, but I got validation that I was important to her. I changed my expectations from needing wisdom to needing connection. I had to accept our lunches for what they were—and the silver lining in them.

In my 40s, I realize that I hadn’t gotten the nurturance that I wanted. Out of that void I have realized that she taught me to give what I hadn’t received. I am an extremely nurturing person and chose a career to reflect it.

What do you do when you don’t have an ideal relationship with someone you love? The key is not to hold on to the bitter feelings, because it breeds anger and resentment. Good mental health requires that you accept the feelings and move on. Use your energy to create loving relationships that do replenish you. I have found the following to be extremely helpful in accepting the relationship exactly as it is:
Be authentic!
• Accept your feelings.
• Express them and have them validated.
Change your expectations!
• Keep expectations low.
• Find the positives of the relationship.
• Love the person as you would like to be loved—in other words, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
• Realize that you can’t change others.
Create healthy relationships!
• Find healthy woman figures who can provide some of the qualities that you need and want.

Your greatest challenge is to recognize how the defects in your relationship molded you into the strong person you are today.

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